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April 2003: Thomas's Pseudo-Witty Horoscopes, Volume II (that's roman for two)

Danny says: Part of the fun of Horoscopes is to guess which one of these dubious events apply to you. Therefore, we at The Discerning Gentleman no longer list the Horoscope name next to the prediction. Have fun guessing. (In case you think the word dubious does not apply to these predictions, here’s a different one: Fuck you and I’m going to kill your family.)

Although those boastful claims you made to your friends about the new hottie at work not being able to keep her hands off you are technically true, you really should have mentioned the super glue.

Some men are born great, others achieve greatness. You, on the other hand, are fucking stupid.

Whoever said big things come in small packages certainly wasn't refering to your pathetic genitals.

Your New Year's resolution to stop making fun of homosexuals will undergo certain death when you're transfered to Mr. Javier's class next Tuesday.

Electricity will be in the air when next week's date brings you all the romance you've ever dreamed of. Just make sure not to tell anyone you're fucking an electrical socket.

Your plan to give your social life a much needed boost by posting fake away messages alluding to an imaginary life full of exciting friends and attractive women will prove to be both a masterpiece of nerdery and a ray of hope for pathetic rejects worldwide.

Early next Sunday morning, your best friend Stony Joe's dreadfully tragic misinterpretation of the classic idiom "its whats inside that counts" will leave you brutally disemboweled.

This month will bring a dramatic plunge in business profits for you, but take heart: those crackheads can't stay clean forever.

A New York Times article revealing a shocking increase in food-related chokings will lead you to permanently cease your dangerous food-eating habit.

Next Monday will find you the unwilling participant in a poetic twist of colorful alliteration as a sagging serbian she-male secretly shits on your sombrero.

Tragedy will strike next Thursday, as you find yourself wasting a perfectly good night writing pseudo-witty horoscopes for a website nobody visits.

As an unfortunate example of overlooking the obvious, your life-long dream to enter a prominent U.C. will be tragically shattered when you suddenly realize you're not Asian.

Horoscope for the month of February, 2003 (Thomas.. I dont know how to spell your last name):

Capricorn: Although teachers and family have been encouraging you all your life by promising that you can accomplish anything if you just try hard enough, its time to face the facts: you are fucking stupid.

Scorpio: Despite Burger King's personalized offer to "have it your way", you can't help but notice their food still tastes like shit.

Gemini: Your irrational fear of water will be replaced by a very rational fear of it after you drown on Wednesday.

Leo: You will overcome two major obstacles in your life as you both stop grieving for the death of your son and hide the murder weapon.

Pisces: Since day one, you've shown a courageous amount of optimism and perseverance when facing life's obstacles. You will quickly learn the futility of these traits after you get shot in the face next Friday.

Cancer: The officer's repeated requests to see your license and registration result in tragic confusion for your stoned ass.

Libra: Your newfound dedication to making love and rejecting materialism leaves you exhausted and broke.

Aries: An obscure reference to incest on the Tonight Show will remind you of that time you felt up your cousin in the back of your dad's pickup.

Taurus: Even though you're proud of your uncle for publicly announcing his blatant homosexuality, you really wish he'd stop calling you "girlfriend" at the end of every sentence.

Sagittarius: Despite your cynical attitude toward fortune-telling, you can't help but notice that the old Russian gypsy's promise of a testicular curse is quickly becoming fulfilled.

Aquarius: You spark a political revolution in the hobo community with your controversial "will work for crack" cardboard sign.

Virgo: Your vain attempt to convince your friends of your healthy sex life by littering your room with exposed condoms leaves your social life destroyed and your room latex-y.