Triviality of Statistics

God Created By Business Shippers and Tradesmen

A discerning gentleman investigation, taking years, has confirmed that what so many hold dearly and call lovingly as God was indeed created by business shippers of the late 12^th century. We now change the name of God to god (god that feels good). It was discovered of late in the grave of shipper/packer extrodainer Veddinici Vichivendi (VV for short) that he and his shipping packing Kru, to use the parlance of our times, had created the idea of god to give something to depend on for their shipments that spend long amounts of time overseas. See when you’re a shipper you have no idea when your shipment is coming in, or when it will arrive at its destination, in fact your damn near freaking out that it might be eaten by a huge fuckin sea monster, that you need something to depend on to make sure that your shipment gets where it wants to go.
              So one day, VV and his kru were awaiting a shipment of the medieval equivalent of boxer shorts…tights. But not just any constricting, revealing, flagrantly homosexual tights, these were the softest, yet most durable tights made of Asian silk, from, you guessed it, Asia. In order for them to be delivered in the finest condition they had to be shipped by water, no land travel, for the dry desert heat would ruin the limited comfort of the tights, causing large amounts of chafing. This meant the ships must travel around the dangerous cape of good hope, and the shipment is at risk of anything from dragons to African pigmies, and the more realistic option, coral reefs. VV and his kru, as so many before him, needed something to pray to. Many of his ancestors had prayed to idols of wood or clay, but VV needed something he could truly believe in. The grandest, biggest, and amazing idol of all time; GOD. Named after the three founders of Big Time shipping, Gondallego-marcedonia, Olympus-de la-Jesus Moraldino and Dick. Since Olympus de la Jesus Moraldino was the son of Gondallego-marcedonia VV decided to make the person Jesus the son of god, partially to have two things to pray too and as well, as some theorist suggest, to confuse the hell out of us.
                So VV set out to make his scriptures, these were more intricate than any for any idol to date. He created a series of characters to make the story fully believable, and based them mostly on people from his life. The Apostle Paul: VV’s barber, The Apostle John: VV’s shoemaker and so on. He immediately found a few people in Rome, also big time shippers, who thought his idea was, to say the least, swell and decided that since most people would love to have idols to pray to, why not just indoctrinate the entire continent of Europe. Most people loved the idea, the rest were killed.
                However problems began to arise, VV’s kru consisted of ten people, eight of which went full onto VV’s idea of two idols to pray to, the mystical god, and the cute, yet rugged Jesus. However two of the kru, who will remain anonymous, seriously this time cause there names were blotted out in the scriptures we found in VV’s grave (I’m so tired right now, I hate writing long Italian names.) thought that one god was good enough, and that two was over doing it. There fake names are John Doe and Doe John. Yet another problem came up, they both hated each other. And so they went of to create the Religions of Judaism and Muslim(ism?) who fight to this day.
                This report by the Discerning Gentleman has caused massive debates all over the country, however we here at the Gentleman, as we like to call it, have decided to give you the only opinion that matters…ours. The fact is today there are plenty of ways to make sure your shipment of today’s equivalent of boxer shorts…boxer shorts are safe and well and will arrive on time. Thanks to such ideas as shipment tracking by the friendly, kind, caring people at FedEx (Shameless Plug score: Discerning Gentleman: 1, O’Rielly Factor: 2.2 billion.) one can know exactly where a shipment is, and we can be relatively sure that there are no monsters, at least in the air, so you oil shippers better still keep praying. So really with so many ways to keep track of shipment from cell phones to emails to relative assuredness of the non-existence of most sea-monsters, there really is no more reason for god. Accept terrorist, but remember, they worship the same god as you, so now you’re in an even greater predicament.
               This has truly been a monumental leap for science, while theological archeologist pick apart at a piece of wood they think was the coffin of the brother of Jesus Christ. To them we say, keep on trying, but we all know that in order for god to keep up with the 21^st century (that’s us) he better turn into a cell phone or something.