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Jesus Or A Guy? How does he do it? How do they do it? Uncanny and
Immutable. Where did we come from? Why are we here? What is the meaning of life? Who is the real president? Where is Chicago? All these questions this article will never answer, except for Chicago, its in Illinois, or is it. Rather, I am about to tell you a story about the king of the heaven and earth and the basis for 2000 years of hierarchy and war, Jesus Christ (Hey-Zeus Kriest). Now it is obvious that is not actually Mr. Christ’s fault for all the problems that happened after his death, these problems were happening before, and as always are the fault of man. Man, which tangled and bent Mr. Christ’s message out of shape to fit his own purpose, has done so even before the death of Mr. Christ. When John The Goat Eater said to Joseph The Slightly Un-wise “hey look over there, it Jesus Christ!” Joseph quickly looked and responded “Where?” to which John replied, laughing “Made you look.” (First documented use of made you look from The Book of Made You Look) So you see Mr. Christ’s status as a symbol of world peace and “lets-get-alongedness” had already been misused before his eventual crucifixion and rebirth or whatever. However did the latter actually happen? The book tells you that Mr. Christ was crucified, then after his body had wilted and died, he was thrown into a cave and a rock was put in front of the entrance in order to block any Japanese tourists from trying to get a photo (the Japanese part is not true, however the rock is, go look in the bible which you never read, sinner.) However the cave where Mr. Christ’s body was thrown into was never fully inspected to check for possible inhabitants as according to Roman law. So while everyone was crying over the loss of the Messiah and playing backgammon, some poor schmo had a rotting dead body in his cave and to make the matter so much worse, there’s a big friggin’ rock in his doorway. Some days later, what was later to be called Easter, a bunch of people were, as usual, huddled around the site where Mr. Christ was thrown into a cave, when suddenly, as if by magic, the stone in front of the caved moved and out came a man that seemed to be glowing radiantly. Indeed, Mr. Man-In-The-Cave had developed an intricate system of levers and pulleys that was finally able to move the Gigantic stone (this is why we need power and energy at Monta Vista). The glowing radiance that shown from him was actually the sun reflecting against the many beads of sweat on his body because building an intricate system of levers and pulleys takes a lot out of you. At this point Mr. Some-Dumb-Fuck yelled out “Jesus Christ, there’s Jesus Christ.” To witch the man in the cave, who we will refer to as TMITC, cause I’m getting tired of writing The Man in the Cave all the time, said “You dumb bastards, I almost died from your stupidity.” To which the people, hearing what they want to hear replied, “Jesus hath died for our sins.” TMITC then yelled “What the hell do you think your doing, you guys are messed up, one of these days I’m gonna be back and change things, and the next thousand years are gonna be different, take a note of it.” Which of course everyone did, but being stupid and writing what they wanted, decided that TMITC’s, I mean Mr. Christ’s, words should be changed around a bit, to make them sound slightly more elegant. Something to the effect of Mr. Christ coming back one day and ruling for a thousand years. (Wouldn’t it suck to be the guy that lived on the 999th year of Christ’s rule on earth)? TMITC then walked off, never being seen from or heard of again, nobody noticed because they were all to fuckin’ self involved in discussing seeing they’re supposed Messiah that they didn’t even see him leave, and the last place he was seen was on top of some hill. This leaves some un-answered questions. 1. Why didn’t the people check out the cave and see the levers and pulleys and Mr. Christ’s dead body on the floor? Well being as some so-called friends of JC were there at the time of his “re-birth”, after checking the cave, they decided to make sure no one found out that JC had actually died, and not risen to heaven, so they declared it a holly site, until the Roman Soldiers came and closed it off for good. This was done to keep people in line, since Mr. Christ had so many followers, why not keep them following instead of letting them build on his ideas. Since Mr. Christ’s so-called-friends had already hidden the truth, and were seen with Mr. Christ before, they decided to call themselves Mr. Christ’s “Apostles”, but one of them got annoying so they said he betrayed JC and that guy wasn’t seen from again. Hence you have the beautiful basis of Religion, a man with some pretty darn swell ideas, and what do they do to him; they steal his ideas, turn them into a shitty dogma and don’t let anyone come up with new ideas for 1600-1800 years. Well now that I revealed the true story of Mr. Christ, I’m gonna go burn in eternal hell fire for eternity. Danny Schwartz
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