Triviality of Statistics

The Monta Vista Endangered Species

        Recently, the Discerning Gentlemen’s Chief Zoology correspondents, Tom Maimon and myself set out to classify Monta Vista’s growing list of endangered and extinct species. The following article, will list, in a serious manner, or in one that is not jokingly, a series of, endangered, and or, extinct species.
        Taking samples from each class my co-worker and myself found a group that once flourished at Monta Vista, however is now endangered of complete extinction; people who just smoke pot. Today’s users of pot in Monta Vista quickly graduate up the drug ladder to drugs that will make them shake so much, they have troubles holding a pencil. The question of how these people function is a different story. The fact remains, there is a depleting amount of students in Monta Vista that just smoke pot, so few that one may count them on their fingers (about 4 or 5). If you are reading this article, and are wondering if you are one of these four or possibly even five please take the following quiz:

Have you ever smoked or taken any drugs other than pot………………..YES NO

If yes, you are not one of the four or five, if no, then congratulations, and we probably know your name. If you meet with a group of friends, and all 4 or 5 of you say that you only smoke pot, chances are one of you is lying, and consequently should be shot, only after being badly bruised up by baseball bats and a board with a nail through it.
        Whether this is a crisis or not is up to ones own discretion. Some of you may like taking mushrooms or tweak or whatever, but the fact remains, we cannot impede on these peaceful pot smokers habitats by constantly bombarding them with questions of if they want to try other drugs. The average only pot smoker will normally be found in a Safeway discussing topics with his friend while throwing petty grocery items from one to the other and placing them where they don’t belong. Please, whether one likes other drugs or not, do not impede on these endangered Monta Vistan’s habitat, for they will probably do nothing, however you will be responsible for the loss of a species of man that never caused no harm to no one.
The second group of individuals are even more endangered, and have to do with an actual ethnicity. Puerto Ricans. My apologies to the Monta Vista Nordic Americans, however you’re not endangered you just complain a shit load. Neither my colleague nor me could count the amount of Puerto Ricans on our campus on our fingers, because one of them is half Puerto Rican, however if you have half a finger, you can count them, you freak of nature (not counting war vets). The amount of Puerto Ricans on campus is about one and a half. If you have reached this statistic and error, go start your own fucking website you lazy bastard, but don’t bitch at me yelling, “I’m Puerto Rican, I am”. You wont get any pity out of my colleague or me. The Puerto Ricans once flourished on the Monta Vista campus, or was it the Portuguese, doesn’t matter really, they’re both endangered and smell just a little bit different. Monta Vista is even a Puerto Rican or Portuguese name, so one must assume there were a fair amount of them on campus at one point. However, if one does the math, the percent decrease of the Puerto Rican/Portuguese nationality on our campus is about a fuckin’ shitload. The solution to this problem is simple, and already exists in parts of the south where African American students are bussed into predominately white schools to diversify. We should start bussing in Puerto Ricans. The first effect would be more Puerto Ricans; the second would be a hell-of-a-lot more motha fuckin fun. Start bussing the Asians to the Puerto Rican schools, and the Puerto Rican kids here, you know how wild Puerto Rican parties can get, MV will be what it should be, a giant keg rolling fiesta. To add to the list we should also bring in Brazilians, Mexicans, Cubans and Haitians just for Latin diversity. Monta Vista will quickly learn how to loosen up when we start having siesta from 1 to 4 pm.
        Last but not least are Monta Vista students that keep pencils in their breast pocket. These kids use to be everywhere in the 70’s, 80’s and early 90’s, wearing plaid button down shirts, with a pencil holder in their breast pocket and a pocket calculator. How cool was that, and now they are becoming a part of 80’s nostalgia replaced by these wise guys with their PDAs (palm pilots) and TI-89s with games and streaming stock tickers. This culture of Monta Vistans is basically extinct, we can’t find a single one, we cant even find a pencil pocket holder, or even a slinky in the local Toys R Us. These guys were at times severely picked on and everyone should apologize for two reasons; 1. Everyone was being very mean and wrong to these very cool individuals, that said to hell with anything from bell-bottoms to hammer-pants and 2. they’re going to be your bosses, so you better start sucking up now before its to late. However times have moved on, and the age of nerds with pencil holders in their pockets and pocket calculators has moved on. There is nothing we can do to try and get a resurgence in this race of people, but must allow all those that wish to not follow the standard to do so. As well don’t be a dick…dick, stop stealing people’s calculators and breaking kid’s PDA’s.